So Much To Do In So Little Time

1 week, 6 days, and 5 hours.

The date for the wedding is on and the place has been found. I do have to say everything is moving so fast. (A little too fast). And I did tell AJ. But since the holidays are coming up the wedding would had to be pushed all the way to January or February. And by then AJ would be “fat” in her wedding dress.

Still, even with the date that we chose you can still tell that she is pregnant. Its going to be Saturday 16th of November. Before the holidays start. That gives us only 2 weeks to send the invites, get her wedding dress, find a caterer, and other things that are going to be IMPOSSIBLE for all to come in time.

But AJ is AJ. She wants a small wedding. So far we have about 50 people on the invite list. So we’ll see if there are any additions to that. We were talking about the honeymoon and she said she didn’t have time for one. Of course, because Thanksgiving is 2 weeks after the wedding then Christmas is in December.

And all her family comes in for the holidays along with Keith’s. So this year they will have to come 2 weeks earlier. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. There’s just so much to do in so little time.

So until next time, I’m busy.

Moving Along Slowly, But Moving Along

Its been 1 week, 4 days, 12 hours, and some some minutes since you know… There’s this feeling I have been feeling lately. (duh). I cant put my finger on it. Its very strange. Its kind of like the feeling when you buy a knew house or move in to a new apartment. Or get a new car. Or simply just something new. Well that’s it! My life feels, new. There you go. I still hurt, I still miss, and I still want. But is all new.

I finally told AJ. It brought everything back having to explain to her every single detail that happened. But she’s pregnant, cant fight with her. She gets what she wants. (Even before she got pregnant.) She was a really great friend though. Lying….I mean telling me things like “it take 2 to tango,” and “maybe he’s just taking a break and figuring things out,” and the worst, “he’ll be back don’t worry.”

I know she wanted to see me happy and I thanked her for being there. Doesn’t mean I believe her. But there still is that thing, what’s it called? Hmm, oh right HOPE. The last thing that I own. Well, actually the thing that AJ made me realize that I still had. As every minute rolls along I feel it fading.

I didn’t go to school again. Seeing as I’m going to totally fail the tests. So my plan is to miss this whole week as well and study then take them next week. Yeah I’ll fall behind a little but I’ll get back on track as soon as I can. In the mean time AJ asked me to plan her wedding. What a cliché right? Gay guy planning the wedding. Funny. I said I would do it. She was going to pay me, but even though I need it I cant take it.

I told her it would be a wedding present. Seeing as the next best thing I could give her was a coffee mug. So that and school will keep me distracted for some time. Also, filing and signing all the house paper work is getting me quite busy as well. Didn’t now real estate was so hectic. So many rules and stuff. Blah what ever.

Eddie asked a very smart question the other day when I was drilling him about the mailboxes he ran over. (He did it to change the subject, but it did get me thinking). “Where are we going to live if you sell the house?” he asked. (Don’t worry I’ll get him about the mailboxes later). I hadn’t thought about that. But of course Eddie had.

He said he talked to dad. He bought himself a condo a while back. But he still has a lease on his apartment for about 2 more months. “Wouldn’t it be cool to live there?” Eddie asked. Yes, yes it would. Our dad offered it to us. Which was nice. Don’t know why he’s so nice. (Must Be Jen). So we’re moving in to my dads old bachelor pad. (Hooray).

Moving on. Moving along slowly but moving along.

Until next time, I have a wedding to plan. Wonder if it should be themed…

Love Takes Time

Its been 1 week, 1 day, and 12 hours and about 20 minutes since I’ve been without Miguel. I don’t know why I’m counting. I just am. Maybe it comforts me? Or maybe it hurts me more since I’m constantly reminding myself how long I’ve been hurting without him? Either way I should stop. It will soon fade, I hope.

There is a song that I have been listening to that is now part of my life.

“I had, I had it all
But I let it slip away
couldn’t see I treated you wrong
Now I wonder around
Trying to believe that you’re gone”

“love takes time to heal when you’re
Hurting so much
Couldn’t see that I was blind to let you go
I cant escape the pain I feel inside
‘Cause love takes time
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be here alone”

“You might say its over
You might say you don’t care
You might say you don’t miss me
You don’t need me
But I know that you do
And I feel that you do inside”

Mariah Carey, Love Takes Time. (Yes I am old school).

I’ve stopped bugging Miguel simply because he doesn’t respond to anything. I missed a whole week of college. Get this, the week before mid-terms. Its that just peachy? Doesn’t it seem that when one thing goes bad everything else seems to burn down along with it. (Damn). On top of that, Eddie ran over our and Dan’s mailbox this morning. (Life is good, life is good). (NOT).

The weirdest thing happened the other day at dinner with my dad and his new girlfriend. Well not “weird” weired (for me any way). I was in a bitchy mood. But I calmed down, I think. I don’t remember honestly. I got to the restaurant a little late. Parked, dragged myself out of my car and crawled to the door, As my dad greeted me.

“Your 45 minutes late. Where‘s Miguel?” he said. Oh right, I forgot to tell him that he was, gone. “Can we just get this over with?” I asked. He looked at me funny, kind of weird like. I’ve never seen it on his face before and it surprised me, it was concern. “Is everything alright?” he said putting a hand on my shoulder.

Maybe I had enough. Maybe it was all too much to take. Or maybe I lost my mind along with my heart, along with everything. “No, Miguel’s gone,” I said with tears that were bursting out of my eyes. I thought I had gotten rid of all of them but apparently not. He took me in his arms. It felt foreign, something strange. Something that I forgot what it was. Fatherly love.

I told him what happened. I didn’t need to, I didn’t want to. It just came out. I mean, even the people walking in were stopping to hear my broken love story. We finally made it in when they told us we would lose our table if we didn’t sit and order. So I put myself together (kind of, some pieces were missing) even though my dad told me it would be ok to go home.

We walked up to a table where a blond, in her 20’s, very beautiful girl was sitting at. At first I thought my dad was going to tell me that she was a sister of mine I never knew about, but no it was his date. Name; Jennifer, can also be called Jen or Jenny. Job; works with dad. Age; 23.It was weird, it was awkward, it was just like my dad.

We ordered, we ate, and we talked. If I would have been my normal self I would have made some witty and sarcastic comment like “sure you can drink wine already?” But I wasn’t. I was supper nice, mature, and respectful. I know that if I was myself I would have said things that would have not been very nice. (I mean please this chick is younger than Miguel!) (Oh Miguel)…

I wasn’t in the mood to judge so I got the chance to know her. I even told her about Miguel for some crazy reason but she seemed so nice. They’ve been dating for 6 months now so he has really kept this a secret. I don’t blame him. He told me at the end how well I handed everything. Every one deserves love I guess. Even if there is a 35 year age difference.

Before we left I grabbed the wine bottle and stuffed it in my sweater, and had a good time in my room listening to country music until I passed out on my bed. I think I’m getting better, I think. I still miss him. I think I always will.

Until next time, I’m missing him.

Desperate

Its been 6 days, 7 hours, and 23 minutes since I have been without Miguel. By this point I don’t really know how I feel. I don’t know if I should feel sad, that he is gone and maybe didn’t care about us. Or mad? That he left without even saying goodbye. Maybe happy? That it ended sooner than later because that would have been even more painful than how it is now.

I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t need their sympathy. AJ asked where he was and I simply told her where he was. Does she need to know what happened? No. Although I should tell her, being my best friend and all. But that time will come soon enough. I haven’t gone to school for 3 days and I really don’t care.

Eddie is driving my car around even though he isn’t supposed to yet. But I don’t really feel the need to be driving him around every where. My dad is doing the house paper work and all that stuff I cant explain because he uses his lawyer vocabulary that only the “brightest minds” understand.

He called reminding me of the date he wanted to have so he would present his “new” girlfriend to me. Since Miguel is gone I just said what the hell lets get it over with. So we’ll meet at our famous place, eat the same things, talk about the same stuff, and I’ll get to meet the crazy girl who decided my dad is good enough for the mess is is getting in to.

Going back to Miguel, I was thinking of going after him. Flying all the way to Greece just to say I’m sorry. But that sounds like it would be ripped out of a romantic movie. Not to mention that if he still doesn’t want anything of me or is over us it would be a waste of time. Plus, I don’t have that kind of money. I would go there, but I wouldn’t have enough to return. Oh well? I guess.

Dan came to check on me (oh how sweet). I heard a knock at the door and didn’t check before I opened it. I opened it to a very smiling and concerned Dan standing in the door way. I smiled. I hugged him tight. I kissed him on the cheek and told him,

“Dan. I don’t like you, as a friend or a boyfriend. Maybe not even and acquaintance. You’re just a neighbor I happened to live next to and grew up knowing each other, later dated. I’m over you. I thought I wasn’t because having a guy run after you while already having a boyfriend is kind flattering, but now that Miguel is gone all I really want is him. But I am over you. I need to move on and you do too. Bye Dan.”

I faked a smile, closed the door as if it was made of glass, as the slowest tears run down his face. I walked to my room to cry.

This is how the list goes; Miguel’s voicemail box is full (of my calls) so that means he doesn’t have international calling or he hasn’t checked his phone. 234 txts that haven’t been returned. 23 E-mails that contain paragraphs of how miserable I am without him. 53 messages on Facebook which have not yet been seen by him. According to Facebook we’re still in a relationship, that’s just because he hasn’t been on to change that. Hope he doesn’t.

Until next time, I’m desperate.

Its Actually Really Over

Its been 4 days 12 hours and about 45 minutes since I last saw (and ended things) with Miguel. Saturday rolled by and I thought he would come around. Maybe say something that would patch everything up. But I guess the hole was too big. Or maybe he was done trying. Or even worse, it wasn’t worth trying.

Sunday just before sunset I decide to go check on him and maybe apologize for the things I had said. I thought that maybe we would work things out before he leaves. His car wasn’t in the parking lot but that didn’t stop me from going to his apartment and knocking almost until my hands bled.

It wasn’t until the building manager was called that I stopped. “Sir, the young man that lived there turned in his keys this morning. I’m sorry,” he said. I walked away without saying anything. I drove to the only other place I thought he would be at. His friends Mike and Robert. He wasn’t there. Of course not.

But I wasn’t expecting what I got. “He brought all his stuff to our storage and asked us to take care of it while he’s in Greece. He left a while ago,” said Mike with a sad face. I was late. Miguel left 2 weeks early. I went home and walked slowly to my front door of my house as Dan ran out. I don’t know why and I wish I hadn’t but I fell in his arms.

Maybe I just needed a hug. But why him? Why then? And why the hell wasn’t I struck by lightning or gotten swallowed by the ground to prevent such a thing from happening? He walked me to the door still holding me like he used to when we were together. I opened the door, walked in, and slammed the door in Dan’s face. I felt even warmer. I laid on my bed until today afternoon. It hurts. I guess its actually really over.

I called and left voicemails, I txted. I Facebooked massaged him, I instant messaged, and I even E-mailed him. I tried everything to reach him. He still hasn’t responded. Will he ever? I don’t know. I hope so. I am really sorry. Thank’s to Miguel the house is officially mine. But dare I say it, I asked my dad to help me sell it. Because now, I REALLY don’t want it.

Until next time, I wait.

Its Over

Words can be very hurtful especially if you know what words can hurt who. Sometimes you don’t mean them, you just say them because your scared or angry at that person you’re hurling them at. Sometimes we forget the power of words.

I didn’t realize the weight of the situation that Miguel was putting us in until my mind rapped its head around the idea of Miguel being gone for so long. (Over thinking things is not a good idea). Because he is leaving, we are going to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years together. We wont be together.

It hurt. I was hurt. This is the same thing that happened to me and Dan. He went away, and that was that. Love is hard to maintain when you’re miles apart from each other. Now, countries apart? that’s too much. I was thinking (again not good), and Miguel doesn’t plan on selling the restaurants. Why would he?

There’re doing great. They bring in lots of money. He know some Greek, he knows how to cook. So there’s no problem for him to take them over. The question is, when will he decide that traveling is too much and want to move there permanently? He already quit his job at the library, he also told the building manager that he was going to move out of his apartment by Halloween.

It already feels like he is leaving and never coming back.

So as I watched a movie with Miguel around midnight, I felt cold, hungry, tired, annoyed, and lonely even though Miguel was right next to me. I couldn’t stop thinking. I was surprised when he asked, “what if you go to Greece with me?” I was taken off guard and surprised that he was thinking the same thing I was. (Not going to Greece with him, but what will happen to us).

“College,” was my one word response. I felt a chip crack off my heart as he decocted my answer as a “no”. “I’ll come back,” he said. Some how I was at one end of the couch and he was at the other, the couch never seemed longer. “And then you’ll leave again,” I responded. I was dry. My words were dry. Its like I had no feelings because they were thrown on the ground when I heard the news.

“Guess Dan wins,” he said under his breath. What did he mean? Was this a game? Did he not care any more? Did he think I would just run to the arms of Dan once he was gone? I don’t know what set us off in to a blood worded war. Maybe we were scared? Tired? Just the fear off loosing each other, made us turn on to each other.

I have never thrown words so viciously before. Things that I didn’t actually mean. I’ve never been hit so brutally with words either. Were they mean? Probably not, but they were coming from someone I loved too much. Now my heart, along with the coffee table and a picture frame of me and Miguel, lie on the floor in pieces so small it would be impossible to put back together.

Until next time, I need to throw some things away.

More Bitter Than Sweet

I think I have the best boyfriend in the world! This is insane! (Ok ok I will come down now before I break my laptops keyboard).

Miguel has been through a lot this year and so have I. I think these last 3 months have been the toughest on him. Loosing a family member is not easy, especially when they love you so much and they are really the last loving family you have. (Because you can have “family” but you just don’t like ‘em, there just there because, um there’re “family”).

Together we have been through a lot as well. It has been hard but at times easy. We’ve had or fights and make ups. I’ve surprised him but I think he has surprised me more. Only 10 months and it feels like more. But I’m just going on a and on right? Here let me get to the point. Miguel is the best! (Kinda)

The other day as I got home from school I ran to the couch and flung myself on it. I was so tired. I was annoyed. I was, everything. I re-re-re-decided to keep the house when I didn’t have the money to pay off the taxes that are do in just 23 days. My dad did offer his “services” again. But that’s not going to happen.

We fall out way to often for him to have full control of the roof over my head. I’m not working and what I do have in the bank I am and using it for gas and college things. And um oh food! Eddie only works 3 days a weak and part time. And he’s saving for a car. Tim moved out so there’s no financial help there either, now that he’s gone.

I could do payments but that would just be too much, too long. But Miguel saved my ass. He burst through the door carrying a thick envelope and a huge smile. “Surprise,” he said. Placing the envelope on the coffee table close to where my face was. I grabbed it lazy like and dropped it on the floor as a whole bunch of 100 dollar bills fluttered to the ground along with the envelope.

“What the hell?” was my reaction as Miguel rushed to pick the mess up. “What is this?” I asked. At first I thought it was some prank because he started laughing but it was because he said, “its money silly.” in his 3 year old voice. “What?” I said not understanding. He said it was mine as he handed it to me.

“Its part of what my grandma left me. I need you to have it, to pay off the house,” he explained. I hugged him and told him that he didn’t need to do this and thank him at the same time. I think I was shaking. Honestly it was surreal. I knew that his grandma was loaded but not this much.

Ok, lets pick up our jaws and wipe our tears of happiness because here is the down side to possibly ALL. Along with all the money Miguel was showered with he now also has to take over the chain of  restaurants his grandma had (I swear, that woman was the Greek Oprah!) So yet again  he is leaving, in November. For 2 months.

I know I know. I cried all night long. My eyes are supper dry now and they burn every time I blink. With this sudden news I’m not sure what will happen, (with us).

Until next time, gotta get some eyes drops.

Its A Boy!

Its a boy! Yes, yes it is.

AJ went to the doctor today so Keith took the day off to go and she asked me to tag along as well. It was so fun! I didn’t get to go in with them so I was waiting outside. Since its Columbus Day there was no school for either me or AJ. I couldn’t stop smiling in the waiting room. So I think I was scaring everybody else that was worried about their own results.

When they came out I think I almost flew straight to them jumping like a little kid wanting to know what it was going to be. “He’s a boy!” AJ shouted from the top of her lungs. I was so excited!

On our way back home she explained how she’s four and a half months pregnant and the doctor said they may or may not be so sure what the sex of the baby could be. “But the baby was positioned well enough to clearly see it was a boy,” beamed Keith. The doctor also said everything is going great.

The doctor did say that AJ has to eat a little more because she is not eating enough. And has to eat healthier. So that’s that.

Now, changing the subject to a whole new one. Miguel is back. He arrived Friday and on Saturday I had to take Eddie somewhere and when I came back I saw Miguel’s car parked in Dan’s drive way. I almost crashed into my garage trying to get a peek at what was going on. I had difficulty deciding weather to go and see or wait till Miguel came out.

So I waited (in my car) until he finally came out. He started his car and then parked it in my drive way. He saw I was in my car and came along like he just arrived. I asked him what that was all about and he said he just wanted to have a “little talk” with Dan. I have to say that it was nice that Miguel was scared of loosing me.

You know? Like if he was jealous. It was really hot. I felt really wanted and it was nice that he cared so much about me. He said Dan would back off now. I am curious to what Miguel told him, but I will let it fly by just because its been working. Sad to say our friendship couldn’t work out how I wanted it to. But once you date someone and fall in love with them its really hard to be friends when you break up afterwards.

So until next time, I will enjoy my day off!

Date With Dad

I went to see my dad at our usual restaurant. We sat in the place we always sit. I ordered what I always order. We started the conversation how we always do. Everything seemed to be going well and it was. The food was great. The noise was to a minimum. And the lighting was perfect. (I mean it almost felt like a date).

It was really nice. All he wanted to do was ‘re-connect’. It was really nice. I did ask him why he had not invited Tim and Eddie to come along. He said I was more ‘mature and understanding’. (Which is true, thank you very much).

“For some time now I have been thinking abut moving on in life. And I have,” he said when we were just sitting there after eating. By then I knew what was next and what he was trying to say. It didn’t come as a surprise to me. My mom married out of the blue and now AJ is engaged. Tim has a girlfriend and so does Eddie.

So coming from my dad it was about time. “I’m dating now, I am actually in a relationship,” he said expecting me too react. All I said was, “if you can get along with Miguel then maybe I can get along with your girlfriend.” I said this because he said he wanted to accept me. And he has not yet showed it.

He used to cringe every time I talked about Miguel and that has stopped. But I do have to say that sometimes I talk way to much about him just to see how he reacts. I think the idea of me dating a guy is finally sinking in. But he has yet to demonstrate that he’s okay with it. (Baby steps, very very small baby steps).

“Maybe we can get together and go out. SO you can meet her,” he said as we walked to the car. I agreed. I thought this was a good idea. But it will be in a while do to the fact that I am busy and Miguel is busy so technically we are all busy. But we’ll try to make some time. Because I REALLY want to meet the person who is crazy enough to date my dad. (haha) And insane enough to join this family.

Until next time, Miguel arrives in 3 hours!!!

Smashed Potatoes

I’m staying at Miguel’s apartment for the moment as he left for Greece once again. I used the word ‘staying’ very loosely because of school and now I have taken Miguel’s place in the library because they needed some one to replace him while he’s’ gone, if not he would have been fired so I am holding it for him.

Actually I’m barley here anyways.(Even though I’m here to keep it clean and house sit). My brother decided soccer wasn’t for him any more and now is on the baseball team. So I have to take him and his friends here and there and they love it of course, me having a Camaro and all. He’s pretty good but not the best. I cant wait for him to get his own car though.

Since I’m talking about family, my dad wants to ‘talk’ to me today. So I’m meeting him at this restaurant I’ve only been to a million times and have oh so good memories of, (sarcasm). So you can bet everything you have that it will be bad news, then again you never actually now right? But I do have things to say to him.

AJ is going to know the sex of the baby next week so that’s exciting. She said she wants to get married before she gets all fat. So she’s busy getting everything together. I wish I could help and I will on what I can when I get free time on my hands.

Oh! This is big news! I have rethought the whole ‘keeping the house ‘ thing and I don’t know if I want it anymore. It’s a back and forth thing really. The taxes are a bit of an exaggeration, I am so broke, I have no time, and Dan lives next door. Which shouldn’t be a problem but I am human so it is.

I don’t know, its all smashed potatoes.

Anyway until next time, I have to attend a ‘baseball game’ (for about 4 minutes only).